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Thread: Consensual Non Monogamy In Committed Relationships . Why Not??m

  1. #101
    Moderator HCProf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Djinn View Post
    That depends on the lesson they take from the experience. Consider a traditional family in which the father routinely cheats on his wife. The wife is fully aware of his transgressions, and hates him for it, but stays with him for the sake of the child (or for some other reason). Lots of heartbreak there, no question. But statistically, the boy will take home the lesson that infidelity is a normal part of marriage, and one day, he'll be breaking the heart of his own wife.

    This isn't pure speculation; it's backed by research.

    Source - NYT
    It is similar to kids who experience their parents abusing each other as well. They can grow up and see abuse as normal...and will allow that to happen to them...especially girls.

    http://www.lfcc.on.ca/little_eyes_little_ears.pdf
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  2. #102
    Veteran Member Kontrary's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote View Post
    No. Polyamory =/= polygamy, though it can include it



    No. Polyamory =/= swinging, though it can include it.



    No. Polyamory =/= open relationship, though it can include it.



    It's about considering that monogamy may not be the only or even the best way to have a committed relationship for everyone.

    Polyamory = "many loves", and at its simplest means it is possible to love more than one person, and it doesn't necessarily mean you love your spouse or partner any less.

    Is it easy? No. Is it without risk? Not at all. Is it for everyone? Clearly not. Is it fulfilling? It very much can be for some, when practiced with honesty, love, and a commitment to honest and constant communication.

    And this is important: polyamory has to have the consent of all parties involved. If your spouse/partner doesn't know you practice polyamory, it's not polyamory. It's cheating.

    Polyamory basically redefines cheating to not being honest with your partner, rather than being defined by having feelings for another or even acting on them (with consent!).
    I truly think we have to stop trying to make everyone conform to the same set up...people are different /shrug.

    Oddly for me, there have been relationships in my life where I would have preferred we were "polyamorous" and others where there is NO WAY I would want that. So for me, I cant say I am monogamous or poly...it truly depends on that specific relationship.
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  3. #103
    Veteran Member Kontrary's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HCProf View Post
    It is similar to kids who experience their parents abusing each other as well. They can grow up and see abuse as normal...and will allow that to happen to them...especially girls.

    http://www.lfcc.on.ca/little_eyes_little_ears.pdf
    You assume poly is equal to "abuse"?

  4. #104
    Established Member Coyote's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kontrary View Post
    Oddly for me, there have been relationships in my life where I would have preferred we were "polyamorous" and others where there is NO WAY I would want that. So for me, I cant say I am monogamous or poly...it truly depends on that specific relationship.
    That makes perfect sense to me.

  5. #105
    Established Member Coyote's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kontrary View Post
    You assume poly is equal to "abuse"?
    Same exact arguments used against SSM and parents who transition to a different gender.
    Thanks from Kontrary

  6. #106
    Council Member Djinn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bajisima View Post
    But then basically you are agreeing with the far right who for years claimed same sex parents will have same sex kids? States even created laws that prevented same sex couples from adopting based on that. I just don't agree with that. As long as a kid is loved what his/her parents do doesn't necessarily reflect on their future.
    You are equating sexual orientation with sexual behavior. Where a child falls on the gay/straight orientation scale is largely genetics. However, sexual behavior is influenced heavily by environment. Children of unfaithful parents are more likely to be unfaithful themselves. Children who watch their parents divorce are more likely to wind up divorced themselves.

  7. #107
    Council Member Djinn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kontrary View Post
    You assume poly is equal to "abuse"?
    No, HCProf is merely using it as another example of learned behavior from one's parents. Polyamory does not equate to abuse.

  8. #108
    Established Member Coyote's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GordonGecko View Post
    I think like his "military democracy" in "Starship Troopers"?

    Heinlein was simply engaging in a "flight of fancy" in "SIASL", in positing the group-marriage of Michael Smith and the rest ...with no jealousy or possessiveness.
    There's always some jealousy and possessiveness. To pretend otherwise is to doom the relationship(s). You work through it and learn better communication skills, and afterwards you understand your partner(s) better. It's way harder than Heinlein made it look. Anyway, we're human, not Martian. Maybe he had some extra pheremones or something.

    There's no one, perfect way to do poly any more than there is one, perfect model for marriage.

  9. #109
    Moderator HCProf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kontrary View Post
    You assume poly is equal to "abuse"?
    No...of course not. Did I say that? I was responding with another example to Djinn of how kids can absorb behaviors from their parents. Don't look for drama that is not there. There are risks involved in any human relationships and the thread drifted to kids. I am not putting down polyamorous love...I believe to each their own and as long as you are happy at the end of the day..wonderful. Life is too short to be unhappy. Just because a certain type of relationship is not for you, doesn't mean that it should not be for everyone. Freedom to love goes both ways.

  10. #110
    Veteran Member Isalexi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote View Post
    That is very common. "It's ok for me but not for you" and its corollary the "One Penis Policy" are also not polyamory.



    You mean it really isn't a good idea for you, and there's nothing wrong with that.
    For me....it was hard concentrating on my marriage thinking of someone else...but if it works for some..so be it! It was also unfair to the other guy. He was single and wanted me to leave my husband
    Thanks from Coyote

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