Thread: Consensual Non Monogamy In Committed Relationships . Why Not??m

Originally Posted by GordonGecko

BTW, two other points...

on the Emotional standpoint-

1. Such a polyamorous agreement would probably have to be openly and forthrightly discussed BEFORE the two people entered into a marriage. Otherwise, I'd see it as an emotional mine-field for the husband or wife to bring it up 5-10-15 years into the marriage, even slightly and obliquely....

given the risk their counterpart would oppose the idea and then immediately assume their spouse (who suggested it) was going to do it anyway without their consent.

IOW, if "Mary" told "John" out of the blue, after 15 years of marriage - "I think we should BOTH be allowed to have sex with other people".....and John isn't "cool" with that, John's going to think that Mary's going to do it anyway behind his back....and the marriage would fall apart from mistrust or frustration.



2. Given that for many people, sex on a continual basis DOES tend to create an emotional bond....would it not become "dangerous" for "John" to have multiple encounters with "Sally", while his wife "Mary" is going from guy-to-guy.....one night stands only....

and risk that John would start forming an emotional attachment to Mary that would lead to "emotional adultery".....transferring love from Mary to Sally?


Or would John and Mary set up a "rule"--- "No multiple encounters with the same person within 6 months"?

Like being gay or trans, it's a good idea to be upfront in the beginning if one intends to be polyamorous.

However, like being gay or trans, one doesn't always know since birth. It's a process of discovery.

As far as the "danger" of developing feelings... you're describing swinging, or open relationships for casual encounters. Polyamory = many loves--developing feelings for another is quite the point.

However, like monogamous marriages, polyamorous couples/groups set their own rules, and if both partners agree that the relationship needs to be cut off if feelings develop, that's ok and valid, too... as long as they are upfront with -all- parties, including the third who has to get dumped because one of the partners fell in love with them.

Polyamory is complicated and should not be practiced by everyone.

Originally Posted by ProgressivePatriot

You should be sure by now what it's about. I made it clear that it is not about polygamy. Polygamy involves a male with several wives in what is often an unequal and sometimes coerced arrangement. There are many ways of being non -monogamous from swinging which sometimes anonymous and mostly about sex to ongoing friendships (with benefits) with people that you get together with on occasion, to group living arrangements.

We have done a little of all of that and I put that out there in the hope that it will encourage others to be honest and share their thoughts and what they do

It's no secret that skunk and I practice polyamory. We have a shared 3rd, and I am also the vertex of a "V" with another gf (she is not involved with skunk intimately--I know you know what that means... that was for everyone else).

Everyone knows about the others and consents. My gf spent Christmas with us and we all had a (nonsexual) blast. I'm in Seattle visiting my former but still kinda current but not really partners, and skunk will no doubt spend some time with our 3rd while I'm gone. I like it when they get time to themselves (which isn't often because I'm almost always home).

Originally Posted by ProgressivePatriot

I was not quite sure what forum to place this topic on consensual non monagamy in. It certainly fits the topic of "sexuality" but that is a sub forum of Civil Rights. Never the less, that is where I chose to create it- under sexuality. I will add that while non monogamy is, generally speaking, not a civil rights issue, it could at some point emerge as one . How?? There is a small miniority of those engaged in consetual non-monogamy why want legal recognition for marrige to more than one person- group marriage. If that developed into a movement, it could become an issue like same sex marriage. We are not talking about polygamy here. We are talking about polyamory, a term that many may not be familiar with. There are important differences.

Polyamory Society


There is another way that it might emerge as a civil rights issue. "Adultury" The act of a married person having sex with another outside of the marrige is still a crime in quite a few states, although not enforced. However, if the religious right should tighten their grip further, those laws might be enforced, and new one might be passed, resulting in court battles like those about sodomy.

Anyway, I'm interested in seeing what kind of interest and reaction I get to this topic. Please read the whole article and comment thoughtfully and honestly. Feel free to share your experiences, if any, with any form of non monagamy while in a commited relationship.

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

Selected excerpts



non-monogamy right for you?
.

"

Mr. Patriot,

I once met a man in a bar who talked about a time in his life when he and his girlfriend brought another woman into their relationship. He said this arrangement went on for months, every night sharing his bed with two women. One day, he came home and found a note from his girlfriend saying "I can't share you anymore. If I can't have you to myself, I can't have you at all. Good bye, I love you."

The man went on to say he stayed with the other woman for a while, but they soon drifted apart. But he then shared that he was so amazed that his love could affect a woman so deeply.

My only question to him was "How do you know the note was for you?".

Originally Posted by bajisima

Know somebody who is going through the courts in MA trying to get her spouse in jail for adultery.

I wonder if adultery laws are even enforceable...

Originally Posted by bajisima

Wants him to have no access to her money or kids.

She's unlikely to get that, depending on other circumstances. And how is she defining "her money"?

Originally Posted by bajisima

Pretty nasty stuff.

Par for the course in contentious divorces. My state is strictly no-fault, so those issues do not arise.

Originally Posted by Kallie Knoetze

Mr. Patriot,

I once met a man in a bar who talked about a time in his life when he and his girlfriend brought another woman into their relationship. He said this arrangement went on for months, every night sharing his bed with two women. One day, he came home and found a note from his girlfriend saying "I can't share you anymore. If I can't have you to myself, I can't have you at all. Good bye, I love you."

The man went on to say he stayed with the other woman for a while, but they soon drifted apart. But he then shared that he was so amazed that his love could affect a woman so deeply.

My only question to him was "How do you know the note was for you?".

In the absence of any information indicating a romantic relationship between the two women, I will assume that the note was for the guy.

I have seen this sort of thing happen. These arrangements have their pitfalls which is why I always say that they are not for everybody. You have to wonder what the relationship was like between he and his girlfriend before and after the second woman was brought in. How much did they communicate about what each was feeling? Not much I would guess. Did they bring the women in because they both really wanted that, or was it to try to fix their relationship. To fill a void of some sort.

Another possibility is that the girlfriend just wanted out of the relationship with the guy and used the other woman as an excuse. Otherwise, you would think that she would have given him an "either she goes or I go" ultimatum and not just split.

There are many questions to consider.

Originally Posted by Coyote

It's no secret that skunk and I practice polyamory. We have a shared 3rd, and I am also the vertex of a "V" with another gf (she is not involved with skunk intimately--I know you know what that means... that was for everyone else).

Everyone knows about the others and consents. My gf spent Christmas with us and we all had a (nonsexual) blast. I'm in Seattle visiting my former but still kinda current but not really partners, and skunk will no doubt spend some time with our 3rd while I'm gone. I like it when they get time to themselves (which isn't often because I'm almost always home).

Thank you for sharing!!

Originally Posted by Coyote

However, like monogamous marriages, polyamorous couples/groups set their own rules, and if both partners agree that the relationship needs to be cut off if feelings develop, that's ok and valid, too... as long as they are upfront with -all- parties, including the third who has to get dumped because one of the partners fell in love with them.

Polyamory is complicated and should not be practiced by everyone.

What I'm saying.....such "Rules" would have to be established and agreed to WELL in advance of an actual marriage.

As for "I can have perfectly equitable love (romantic love) for many different people"?....it tends to work only in rare cases.

Originally Posted by Kallie Knoetze

Mr. Patriot,

I once met a man in a bar who talked about a time in his life when he and his girlfriend brought another woman into their relationship. He said this arrangement went on for months, every night sharing his bed with two women. One day, he came home and found a note from his girlfriend saying "I can't share you anymore. If I can't have you to myself, I can't have you at all. Good bye, I love you."

The man went on to say he stayed with the other woman for a while, but they soon drifted apart. But he then shared that he was so amazed that his love could affect a woman so deeply.

My only question to him was "How do you know the note was for you?".

No offense, but....

that sounds more like a fictional quasi-humorous tale....than a real-life event that was related to you.

While the structure has never held any appeal to me, I personally know at least four or five couples that had either polyamorous relationships or "open" marriages.

In every case, the arrangement either resulted in separation, or collapsed into a monogamous relationship. While I support peoples' right to buck the odds and try to make it work, the apparently-high failure rate gives me cause for concern when there are young children being raised in such a home.

Originally Posted by Ian Jeffrey

I wonder if adultery laws are even enforceable...


She's unlikely to get that, depending on other circumstances. And how is she defining "her money"?


Par for the course in contentious divorces. My state is strictly no-fault, so those issues do not arise.

I don't really know the details, but I do know there have been people put in jail or fined where its a felony. It has to be pretty iron clad though, either admitting or caught red handed. I had read once in the paper that police had found a couple having sex in a vehicle and after taking down their names found they were married to other people and that was big news for a bit. But honestly other than ammunition for custody or maybe getting a home, I cant imagine its worth the trouble.