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Thread: Consensual Non Monogamy In Committed Relationships . Why Not??m

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by HCProf View Post
    That is too extreme of a comparison..loss is one thing and is a part of life. Picking and choosing your relationships and the impact they have on your children is something you can control while you are responsible for them.
    Yeah, and if you're determined to insulate them from all forms of loss, it's best not to let them become attached to anyone

  2. #62
    Moderator HCProf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote View Post
    Yeah, and if you're determined to insulate them from all forms of loss, it's best not to let them become attached to anyone
    That is very unrealistic. There is a difference between the loss of Grandma...than introducing your kids to a casual relationship. Many people wait until they feel secure or comfortable in a relationship before they introduce them to their kids.

  3. #63
    Voice of Reason ProgressivePatriot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HCProf View Post
    That is very unrealistic. There is a difference between the loss of Grandma...than introducing your kids to a casual relationship. Many people wait until they feel secure or comfortable in a relationship before they introduce them to their kids.
    People need to live their lives and do what is right and desirable for themselves as much as for the children. Being overly protective and insulating them from every bit of unpleasantness will result in their being ill prepared for life.

    This stuff about kids that has infected this thread reminds me of how children were used in the debate on same sex marriage. There was a litany of bogus arguments that claimed that having a non traditional family was harmful to the kids, while ignoring the fact that there are many kinds of non-traditional families other than same sex couples raising children. The only difference is that with same sex marriage, we have a massive amount of data that shows that the children do just fine in those families. I doubt that we do with poly families at this point. There may not even be enough of them to study. Meanwhile, opinions and speculation is not helpful.

  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by HCProf View Post
    That is very unrealistic. There is a difference between the loss of Grandma...than introducing your kids to a casual relationship. Many people wait until they feel secure or comfortable in a relationship before they introduce them to their kids.
    And what makes you think poly families are any different? There are tons of poly groups and forums out there where all this stuff is discussed endlessly, and with far more depth and nuance than you will ever find on the subject on a forum where 95% of the thread participants have no experience in it whatsoever.

    You know where most of the family problems come from with poly relationships? Friends and relatives who ostracize and condemn poly families, and/or try to turn kids against their parents.
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  5. #65
    Voice of Reason ProgressivePatriot's Avatar
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    Here is an interesting article that I just came upon dealing with the issues of poly families, including the matter of children:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ure-the-family

    With the traditional nuclear family well on its way to extinction, we are faced with a question of critical importance: who will mind the children? Neither two-career nor single-parent families offer children full-time, loving caretakers, and quality day care is both scarce and expensive. Nanny's are a luxury out of reach for most families making up the 99 percent. Even at its best, full-time institutional care (including public schooling) cannot provide the individual attention, intimacy, flexibility, and opportunity for solitude that children need to realize their potential. Serial monogamy presents children as well as parents with a stressfully discontinuous family life. Meanwhile, an entire generation is at risk, as divorce is increasingly common fact of life.

    While we don't yet know how polyamory impacts the rate of divorce; the little data we have suggest that it doesn't. Some people have begun to joke about "serial polyamory," and it may turn out that any kind of lasting relationship is simply less likely in the 21st century. We do know that practicing polyamory can help prepare parents to maintain family ties after a divorce because the issue of becoming jealous when confronted with a former mate's new partner has usually been dealt with already.

    Group marriages*can mean a higher standard of living while consuming fewer resources. Intimate partners are more likely than friends or neighbors to feel comfortable sharing housing, transportation, appliances, and other resources. Even if partners don't live communally, they frequently share meals, help each other with household repairs and projects, and vacation together. This kind of cooperation helps provide a higher quality of life while reducing individual consumption as well as keeping people too busy to over-consume. Multiple partners also help in the renewal of our devastated human ecology by creating a sense of bonded community.

    Group marriage*may help provide siblings for children who would otherwise be lonely, only children. It can offer childless couples a low tech solution to the ever more common challenges of infertility. Multiple adult families can soften the ticking of the biological clock by providing older women the opportunity to raise and mother children conceived by a younger sister-wife. At the same time, polyamory helps overcome the apparent design flaw which mismatches ideal age range for pregnancy (20's) with ideal maturity and energy level for parenting (40's). As indigenous peoples know, it takes a village to raise a child!
    Read the whole thing.! It is well worth the time

  6. #66
    Council Member Djinn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote View Post
    I'm not sure I agree with your "formula". I think it's probably a good deal more complex than simply dividing percentages in half per participant.
    How many polyamorous groupings do you know of that have remained static (no new or departing members) for at least 18 years? Finding a two-person relationship that has been static for 18 years isn't terribly difficult.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bajisima View Post
    Know somebody who is going through the courts in MA trying to get her spouse in jail for adultery. Wants him to have no access to her money or kids. Pretty nasty stuff.
    Bajisima,

    A man was hauled before a magistrate and the prosecutor said "Your honor, this man married a woman in Worcester, then it was found out that he was still married to a woman in Quincy."

    The judge look at the man and said "That is bigamy!"

    The man responded "Big of you? Hell no, it's big of me!"

  8. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Djinn View Post
    How many polyamorous groupings do you know of that have remained static (no new or departing members) for at least 18 years? Finding a two-person relationship that has been static for 18 years isn't terribly difficult.
    I personally know one couple that has been together for 25 years. 17 years ago they added a third to become a triad, and 6 years ago they added a 4th to become a quad. There are many more families like them, but you don't hear much about them because they tend to stay under the radar to protect their kids.

    Adding an adult family member via a poly relationship is not that different than adding a sibling, and may even be less stressful in a lot of ways. Kids tend to accept things pretty easily and with minimal fuss. It's always the adults who have all the hangups and stir the most drama.

    Take it from someone who knows what it's like to lose (a lot of) family members... it hurts to lose them, whether it's due to death or estrangement. But that doesn't stop you from having kids or developing a new relationship, even monogamous ones.
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  9. #69
    ~Standing My Ground~ Sassy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote View Post
    If you really loved pizza you wouldn't ever eat a hamburger.

    If you really loved your daughter, you'd tell your son to take a hike, because he's on his own.

    Makes about as much sense
    you don't want your lifestyle maligned. Why are you being rude towards people who prefer monogamy?

  10. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by HCProf View Post
    That is too extreme of a comparison..loss is one thing and is a part of life. Picking and choosing your relationships and the impact they have on your children is something you can control while you are responsible for them.
    Yes. Children raised by a single mother or father who paraded every bf or gf in front of them never have good things to say about that when they grow up.

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