3 Internal Monologues from Bad Days in Presidential History


Apr 2010
Pittsburgh, PA
[At 330lbs, William Howard Taft was by far the largest president America has ever had. Handpicked by Theodore Roosevelt himself, Taft was the 27th President of the United States, historians look back on him quite favorably, and at one point during his presidency, he got stuck in the White House bathtub. Because he was so fat.]
OK. OK. This isn't that bad. This is not that bad. It's not.
This is really bad.
Let me just make sure I'm definitely ...
OK, yes, I'm definitely stuck. Shit. Shit. This is fine. Let's just- I just need to get out of here quickly, before too many people notice. I'll just ...
"Hey can someone, uh ..."
Wait, shit, who do I even call about this? Do I have ... Is there like a guy who does this? Someone whose thing this is? It is the White House, they have a guy for everything. But of course they don't have a guy for this, Bill. Why would the White House think they needed to hire a guy to get presidents unstuck from the bathtub?
Maybe my wife? Would it be less embarrassing if Helen- Oh, what am I thinking, Helen can't lift me, she doesn't have a solid core OR a strong center of gravity.

"Baby, you know I love you, but sturdy and load-bearing you are not."
So frail and ghostly. I knew I shoulda married her sister. Eleanor. Eleanor could do it. That is the kind of woman who could lift a president out of tub if I ever saw one, I'll tell you that. Eleanor had the haunches of an Olympic bear-wrestler.
I need to get out of this fucking tub.
This is really bad. And, shit, well, this is it. You know this is the thing everyone's going to remember, right, Bill? The only thing. This is absolutely, without question, the only thing about President Taft that people will remember. All of my policies? Forgotten. Out the window. Down the drai- aw, shit. I was worried the only thing people would remember about me would be that I was the fattest president. But, no, now I'll be the president who was so fat that he was made prisoner by a god damned piece of furniture. That's what they'll all remember.
Unless ... I gotta- I just gotta do something even more impressive. Build lots of orphanages or kill ... someone. Someone everybody hates. Or- I got it! When I leave the presidency, I will become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. No other president has done that, it'll be my thing. Hell yes, I'm going to do the crap out of that. And then a hundred years from now, all the history students will say, "Oh, right, Big Bill Taft, he was the only man in history to be both the President and a Supreme Court judge, right? So impressive!" Yes. That's what they'll all remember.
Who the hell are you kidding, Bill? You're the president who's so fat you made a diaper out of a bathtub. William Howard Taft. More like William Howard Bath. Or ... Or William How-Fat-Do-You-Need-To-Be-To-Get-Stuck-In-A Bath? I bet they're going to use me as a measuring test for bathtubs from now on. "Excuse me, do you have any larger tubs? I have three young kids, and we'd like to have them bathe together to conserve water." "Why sure, Ma'am, take a look at this tub. It's roughly one-and-a-half Tafts wide, and about a Taft-ass deep." Shit this is bad. OK, just ... just suck it up, let's just get this over with.
"Hello? Excuse me, will- Is anyone around? I'm- It's your president. Hello. I'm caught in my bathtub and I'm ... I'm the fucking president of the United States of America. Would anyone- Oh, hey, Tim, good, you're here, be a pal and- What? You're going to get more guys to help you? That's so- Yeah, fine, I guess, I'm pretty big, sure ... Fucking four!? Four guys, is that really necessary!?"
[It really was. Later, a special bathtub was installed just for Taft. It fit four men.]

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Former Staff
Jan 2010
LOL .... will come back to read the rest at the link. Yea, that must have been some terrible moment there, when he realized he couldn't gtfo of the tub !! :eek: