Breaking News: Trump Gets Note From Doctor Excusing Him From Impeachment Due to Bad Feet, Bone Spurs, Whatever

Sep 2019
dfw, texas
well, it worked once before....

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation’s capital, Donald Trump on Saturday secured a note from a podiatrist exempting him from impeachment.

The note, written by the same doctor who said Trump was in extraordinarily good health in 2015 during the primary season, said that the strain of undergoing impeachment could “catastrophically inflame” a foot malady that has bedevilled Trump since the nineteen-sixties.

While the doctor’s note drew howls of protests from congressional Democrats, the Attorney General, William Barr, supported excusing Trump from impeachment on humanitarian grounds.

“Given the seriousness of the President’s ailment, impeachment is cruel and unusual punishment and therefore unconstitutional,” Barr said, adding that the Department of Justice would investigate Representative Adam Schiff and the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, for “crimes against feet.”

Another prominent Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, vouched for the fragile state of Trump’s health. “I have spent many hours with President Trump,” Graham said. “He is not a well man.”

This is the text of the statement this quacky doctor wrote in 2015, and then a picture of the quacky doctor-

To Whom My Concern:

I have been the personal physician of Mr Donald J. Trump since 1980. His previous physician was my father, Dr Jacob Bornstein. Over the past 39 years, I am pleased to report that Mr Trump has had no significant medical problems. Mr Trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results. Actually, his blood pressure, 110/65, and laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent.

Over the past twelve months, he has lost at least fifteen pounds, Mr Trump takes 81 mg of aspirin daily and a low dose of a statin. His PSA test score is 0.15 (very low). His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary. (he is such a blowhard he can blow out a candle from 10 feet away just talking about how great he is)

Mr Trump has suffered no form of cancer, has never had a hip, knee or shoulder replacement or any other orthopaedic surgery. His only surgery was an appendectomy at age ten. His cardiovascular status is excellent. He has no history of ever using alcohol or tobacco products.

trump doctor.jpg